Friday, October 12, 2012

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Noah's Ark
As found in Old Testy Men in the book Geronimo by Ester Lighthorse

6:1 And it came to pass, as the men on the earth multiplied incestuously daughters were born unto them. And it came to be the sons of God saw the daughters of men were being offered unto them by the men as prospective wives.

6:2 And the sons of God did not want anything to do with the daughters of the men on the earth since most of the daughters were badly deformed, to include mental deformity, due to the persistent incest.

6:3 A majority of the sons of God simply did not want to interbreed with the already inbred daughters of men and end up producing mega melon-head babies that wore coke-bottle glasses placed over unusually large eyes that refused to move in tandem.

6:4 There were giants on the earth in those days, and that was really not such a good thing since most everyone was a dodgers fan. And also after that, when the sons of God became desperate enough to see past the deformity of the daughters of men,

6:5 They decided to go in unto the daughters of men, and they produced children. And the children produced with the daughters of men were just as the sons of God feared, riddled with infirmity and deformity.

6:6 And God saw that the state of affairs of humanity upon the earth was a little interesting, but not quite interesting enough to pull the whole mess from the realm of boring into the world of entertaining.

6:7 And the Lord was approached by the serpent, and the serpent said, My Liege, why doth thou heart shimmer with sadness? Why doth thy countenance take on a fallen expression?

6:8 And the Lord answered, saying, Serpent, I went through all the trouble of creating all of this universe and in particular this earth and the man upon it and all the life that sustains it, and yet I no longer find it of much interest.

6:9 Serpent, asked the Lord, what am I doing wrong? What mayeth I do that would wax this whole world a little more interesting? And the serpent answered,

6:10 My most gracious liege, you have changed almost nothing since the man and woman were cast out of the garden, at least none of the major things. The whole thing about people reproducing by incest is old. You need something new,

6:11 And save for a few unexpected events such as Abel being vaporized in a meth lab explosion, Conundrum and Conclusory disappearing…one without a trace and one under suspicious circumstances…and Lame-ass having an affair with another man, nothing ever happens.

6:12 Serpent, said the Lord, I knoweth not what the trouble is with the man I have created. This man doth seem complacent in his everyday existence, and aside from domestic squabbles with the woman the man will not fight, travel afar, take what is not his, or incite violence.

6:13 And the serpent said, Most divine liege, if I may suggest that you craftily instigate issues and problems that the man will fight over, bicker over, destroy over, and kill over, And thou needst not make these issues and problems obvious to the man.

6:14 Thou need only to lead him in many directions that lead to many contradictory opinions and conclusions, and with these illusory differences consuming his mind, man will forever provide entertainment on a grand scale.

6:15 And the Lord said, Serpent, thou hast once again come to my rescue and surely saved me from demise. Come, commanded the Lord unto the serpent, Let us use our divine intellect to initiate some impromptu excitement.

6:16 And the Lord and the serpent went down unto the earth and mingled among the men living there, and the men did not know that the Lord and the serpent were in their midst. And upon seeing the man known as Noah the Lord whispered into his ear that there was to come a great flood.

6:17 And, behold, the serpent did whisper into the other ear of Noah that the Lord commanded that Noah build a mighty ark, for Noah was better than everyone else and the Lord desired to save Noah and his family from the impending flood waters.

6:18 Then did the Lord whisper into the hearts of all men outside of Noah’s family, saying, Do not listen to what Noah has to say for he is conceited, arrogant, self-righteous, power-hungry, and crazy. And the serpent continued to whisper into the ear of Noah, saying,

6:19 Thou shouldst tell all the men around you that all living creatures on the earth that breathe the air shall surely die, unless they seek the salvation and shelter of the ark, for there is only one way to think, one way to live, and one way to believe.

6:20 Then did Noah begin to preach to all men all that the Lord had commanded him; and because Noah did not know that the serpent was just as capable as God in speaking to the minds and hearts of men, he thought all that had been commanded of him to do was from the mind and will of the Lord alone.

6:21 And the Lord said, Serpent, what kind of ark shall we command the man Noah and his family to build? And the serpent answered, My liege, let us fill the man Noah’s mind with absurdities, and let us instruct him to do absurd things,

6:22 For in doing so we shall be ever entertained with the repercussions of all the illogical, uncaring, unsubstantiated, illegal, hateful, hurtful, destructive, and abusive actions and behaviors that men do unto each other in your very name, or under the claim of your command.

6:23 And the Lord said unto the serpent, Serpent, thou art absolutely correct. By implanting in mankind an over-inflated ego and sense of self, and by craftily sustaining supposed differences between all men, such men will be blind to wisdom and powerless to do anything but fight constantly.

6:24 Then did the serpent and the Lord, not visible unto the eyes of Noah, whisper absurdly ridiculous instructions and measurements of the ark that was to be built, and the Lord said,

6:25 Noah, I commandeth thee to buildeth an ark, and thou shalt make it of straw, and,

6:26 But the serpent stopped the Lord and gently tapped on his heavenly shoulder and said, My Liege, maybe not straw? Recall what happened to three pigs. If I may suggest the most popular wood of Noah’s locale, I believe it to be gopher wood.

6:27 And the Lord nodded thankfully to the serpent and said, Very well, unto the serpent. Then did the Lord continue to speak unto Noah, saying, Noah I commandeth thee to maketh an ark of gopher wood, and the ark shall measure…

6:28 …The Lord paused and looked unto the serpent for suggestions. The serpent shrugged and mouthed the number four hundred…

6:29 …The ark shall measure four hundred cubits in length, continued the Lord as he spoke to Noah, And the width of the ark shall be…

6:30 …The Lord paused again and looked to the serpent who mouthed the number five hundred…

6:31 …The width of the ark shall be five hundred cubits. And thou shalt maketh the height…

6:32 …This time the serpent mouthed the number nine hundred, and the serpent curled his tail around his mouth as to better stifle his laughter upon seeing the look of absolute confusion on Noah’s face when the Lord relayed the height measurement…

6:33 …And thou shalt seal the wood of the ark with something sticky, buildeth a great door on the side of the ark, and divide the space inside the ark into numerous areas of storage, commanded the Lord unto Noah.

6:34 Then did the serpent say unto the Lord, My Liege, tell Noah he is to place animals of many species, no wait, animals of EVERY species into the storage areas of the boat so that they, too, may be saved from the flood.

6:35 And when the Lord said unto Noah what the serpent had instructed he was glad that Noah could not see him, for the Lord found that he could not keep a straight face.

6:36 And upon hearing the command of the Lord to build the ark Noah set obediently to this task. And the years turned into decades and the decades into scores and the scores into centuries, and the serpent and the Lord watched Noah and his ark-building endeavor from heaven,

6:37 An endeavor that was persistently marred by problem after problem caused by lack of proper tools, lack of proper measurements, lack of adequate workforce, and lack of necessary skills.

6:38 So it was that Noah toiled by the sweat of his brow in order that the ark be built, and he suffered through the hottest of the seasons and the coldest of the seasons, through outbreaks of plagues and through worker strikes,

6:39 And all the while Noah was never the wiser that those who sat in the heavens watching him laughed, holding him in derision.



7:1 After three hundred years had passed from the beginning of Noah building the ark Noah prayed unto the Lord, saying, Lord God, I beseech thee that thou havest pity on your servant Noah; see all that I have done is all that is possible for me to do.

7:2 I have built your ark, Lord, but I could not make the measurements work and instead of appearing as an actual ark, Lord, the ark doth resembleth an origami project gone terribly awry, yea I could not get all of the animals to fit, and the only sticky substance I could find to seal the wood is pitch.

7:3 And the Lord said unto Noah, Come, Noah, and all thy house into the

ark; for thee have I seen struggle before me these many generations. Now, about the animals you are to put into the ark,

7:4 Of fowls also of the air take by sixes and nines and threes because such are my favorite numbers, taketh thou the male and the female and the hermaphrodite that will keep seed alive no matter the sexual conditions upon the face of all the earth.

7:5 And thou shalt taketh of various animals one male and two females, because sometimes three is better than two, and of other animals thou shalt take two females or three females…because girls are better than boys,

7:6 And of the plants of the earth shalt thou take one potato, two potato, three potato, four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more,

7:7 And thou shalt take of all the species of the animals on the earth twelve swimming goldfish, eleven guinea piggies, ten big bull mastiffs, nine ring-tailed lemurs, eight beaded lizards, seven roasted chickens, six polar bears, five Thoroughbred horses,

7:8 Four gobbling turkeys, three headless horsemen, two dairy cows, and a partridge in a plum brie.

7:9 And after the Lord had so commanded Noah, Noah entered the ark with his family and all the animals that were already inside the ark, saying unto himself, I shall be damned if the Lord truly thinketh that any other animals can fit into this floating zoo.

7:10 And the serpent cackled happily as the Lord rubbeth his holy hands together. And the Lord said, Serpent, thou art right! The man Noah upon whom we have placed so much insanity doth already sew within his own heart the very seeds of hatred for us that we have stealthily placed into his very hands.

7:11 So it was that in the six hundredth and sixty-sixth year of Noah‘s life, in the second month that he was overdue in paying his home Internet bundle package, on the eleventeenth day in the third week of the Pangaea Olympiad of the then known world, that very same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up,

7:12 For the city officials had not yet approveth of a measure to increase sales taxes a half of one percent in order that public funds may be raised in order to repair the crumbling infrastructure which included highly degraded water mains.

7:13 And so didsts the water mains break and disgorge an endless flood of water that covered all the earth that the Lord had made. It was so that the flood waters rose, higher and higher as the mighty waters sought the direct approval of God, leveling forests, deserts, and the vacation property on the shores of the Black Sea that Noah and his wife had recently acquired.

7:14 Then did the Lord and the serpent, unseen unto Noah and all those on the ark, go down unto the ark where Noah and his family and all the animals were so that the Lord and the serpent could view the animals that Noah had picked to be in the ark.

7:15 And thus did the Lord and the Serpent laugh at the choices of animals that Noah had made, for amongst Noah’s choices were mosquitoes, deadly poisonous snakes, cockroaches, large hairy spiders, and politicians amongst other animals.

7:16 And those family members inside the ark with Noah grumbled mightily as their days inside the ark were filled with feeding the animals and cleaning up the animal scat to heave it overboard.

7:17 At times the animals would biteth and scratcheth Noah and his family, and it came to be that Noah‘s family wished they had drowned right alongside everything else outside of the ark.

7:18 Still the waters upon the earth outside of the ark rose higher and higher,

7:19 It was that the rain itself continued for many, many days upon all the face of the earth, the waters from such accumulating and reaching high over the hills, and all that was under the whole heaven, was covered by the moist death that God in all his voon-der-bar glory had decided to allow.

7:20 It came to pass that even the highest of all the mountains was covered, which, if you really think about it is a stupid and absurd waste of time, right? Because if God is covering the highest mountaintop to ensure no person can survive he exhibit’s a terrible memory,

7:21 For who doesn’t know that man cannot survive at such heights anyway? So, what would be God’s point in wasting such energy on such a useless action? Is the point that God is trying to make that anger and wrath makes an individual do really stupid and pointless things that serve no purpose?

7:22 And it came to pass that the Lord God succeeded in everything that he wanted out of the flood, and all living creatures upon the earth that breathed air through their nostrils that did not naturally live in the water died,

7:23 And speaking of animals that naturally live in the water, it stands to reason that the Lord God made the flood waters magical for those animals that naturally resided in the water,

7:24 For if the Lord God did not do so, how could the animals that liveth in the fresh water resideth in the cataclysmically chemically different waters as the mighty flood caused all the waters of the earth to combine and mix, the salt water and the fresh water alike?



8:1 Then did the Lord God and the Serpent remember two things: One, there was no way whatsoever that Noah, his family, and all the animals could remain upon the ark forever. Two, the Lord God and the Serpent were well aware that even the funniest of jokes could be killed by allowing it to drag on,

8:2 And so did the Lord command that the rain stop. The Serpent then said, My ever-present Liege, thou shouldst prevent clouds in the sky from forming, for if you do not do so as the sun undertakes to recede the waters by evaporation, so will clouds be formed as a natural process of weather,

8:3 And it shall begin to rain all over again, leaving you and everyone and everything on the ark in no better a position than when you had not yet commanded the rain to cease.

8:4 The Lord thanked the serpent, and then did the Lord prohibit the formation of clouds as the sun evaporated the waters from the face of the entire earth.

8:5 So were the waters of the mighty flood taken from all the face of the earth, and Noah’s ark not so much came to rest as it simply fell apart; Yet the Lord saw fit to prevent total disaster for Noah and therefore allowed the doomed vessel to fall apart on a mountain top.

8:6 It came to pass that Noah was curious as to how much the waters of the mighty flood had receded,

8:7 And so did Noah send a servant over the side of the ark in order that the servant reconnoiter and report unto Noah the state of the receding waters,

8:8 But when all that Noah heard was a splash followed by sputtering and then silence he realized that not only had the waters not receded enough, but his servant had drown.

8:9 Then didNoah and his family and the animals on the ark wait another three weeks so that the waters of the mighty flood may pull back.

8:10 And when the smell from the accumulated animal feces was too much to bear any longer Noah and his family and the animals left the ark.

8:11 The Lord and the serpent watched the disembarkment with interest, and the serpent said unto the Lord,

8:12 My Omnipotent Liege, if Imay bring something curious unto your attention, but doth thou notice anything different? And the Lord answered,

8:13 Serpent, you are right. There is something different and I doth thinketh I knoweth what it is.

8:14 Then did the Lord inquire of Noah and his family, Where art the rest of all the animals that thou hadst with you upon the ark?

8:15 And Noah answered, My Lord, when thou said the rains would come and cause a mighty flood thou didst not inform me how long we were to be souls adrift on a mighty sea,

8:16 And it was not long before the animals and my family ran out of food. My Lord, Noah bowed in supplication and did beseech the Lord, we ate of the animals on the ark in order that we may survive. If it pleases the Lord, Noah prayed, See to your mercy and my forgiveness.

8:17 The Lord and the serpent saw that the animals that had served as sustenance were the unicorn, the griffin, the fire breathing dragon, the phoenix and thunderbird, and sasquatch.

8:18 And the Lord said unto the serpent, Serpent, what doth the problem be with this man that I have created? Why doth he betray the common sense I placed within him the very moment he was created?

8:19 For he who haveth sense enough if he were starving would eat the politicians first, for while all of mankind will now forever be deprived of the beauty of the unicorn, not one soul would have missed the democrat and the republican.

8:20 Then did Noah decide to build an alter unto the Lord God in order that thanks be shown unto the Lord, for Noah feared that if he did not show the Lord some attention the Lord would just as quickly place everyone right back upon the floating asylum as he had taken them off.

8:21 And Noah sacrificed doves on the alter and prayed unto the Lord. And the Lord said unto Noah, What is wrong with thou that ye wouldst kill a living creature and wantonly sprinkle its life-blood about?

8:22 Why doth thou thinketh that taking from the blameless of all that they have in any manner satiates your need to be forgiven and my need for attention?

8:23 Whence did any instruction given by me indicate that ye should take something living, and destroy something beautiful, so that the ugliness of a man’s heart and actions be forgiven?

8:24 Noah, chided the Lord, Doth thou not know and understand that there is no such thing as to findeth salvation within an act of death?

8:25 And Noah hung his head in dejection, for in his egregiously selfish act, and in his inexplicable stubborn desire to maim Noah had nothing to say in his defense.