Noah's Ark Movies

Don 'Yer Life Vest!

Have you ever watched a movie that presents the story of Noah's ark? Do you know of the story of the great flood in the Book of Genesis in the Holy Bible, a story that is one of the many sources of great controversy to be found in the Bible? If you do not know of this story simply go and get a Bible and read it. Then when you are done read it again and consider the ideas and points and assertions put forth. Do you think there is anything in the biblical account of the flood that shows or lends any kind of credibility whatsoever? Do you think that part of what faith is is taking this story literally and in its entirety to be wholly true? Does everything about the story make sense? Does it have to make sense?

Here we are going to take a peek at some of the movies that have been made about this flood story. Some of the films are interesting. Some are pretty bland. Some seem to add a whole bunch of stuff that isn't in the Bible. In fact, there is really not much about the whole process Noah and his family supposedly went through and thus the majority of the dialogue and even scenes in these movies are completely dreamed up outside the delusion of the Bible. Are you surprised?

Here we have Jon Voight taking the role of Noah and, frankly speaking, doing an absolutely horrible job of it. Yikes. The music is pretty cheesy as well. I want to know where the information about the storm that blew through town and damaged everyone's stuff but Noah's stuff and the people were questioning Noah's wife about it came from. Do you have any ideas? None of that is in the Bible.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyto_Etw80A&list=PL0F4119F3375374F2


Hey, kids! Pull up a chair and listen to a story about how a mighty God validates and gives excuses as to how it is okay to murder oodles of people because they aren't doing what HE wants, not choosing what HE would choose, not giving HIM enough glory, and not pleasing HIM. You may read along in your Bible. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear a mighty clap of thunder and are struck by lightning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IokCeM7lOE


This movie had better be as good as it looks, right? And it CAN be a good movie, but that does not make one shred of it true. Lord of the Rings is a fabulous movie, yes. But that does not make it true, does it? And the greatness of the movie does not make it historical either. Sooo...you folks out there who truly believe this story as THE indelible truth and who may think this movie lends credibility to such delusions...well...you are out of luck as well as out of your minds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctCGA0VVaak

Would you please tell me how in the hell the grizzly bear was transported to Noah's ark? The snow leopards? The burros? The snakes? How fast is a snake and how long can they travel before they get tired and need a rest? How long would it take a snake to go from, say, Australia to where Noah was? What would they use for water transportation? What about the tarantulas? How long would it take for a tarantula to travel from wherever they were, say...the American Southwest, to Noah? Would they hail a water taxi?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=049hWhWWvvY


This is more of a documentary style presentation. Quite inventive with the presentation and interpretation of some things, but are you surprised? The Bible says, the Bible says, the Bible says. Well, so does Hans Christian Andersen, and that Grimm's Fairy Tales guy. Do you realize that here they present the story of Noah being drunk as happening before the flood when it actually occurred afterwards? They totally make it sound like it happened BEFORE the flood. Why would they do that, what was their motive?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZu3GXoKXU4


How is it that Walt Disney can make something to horrific look so silly and fun? The guy was a genius! Imagine if he did a film about the bubonic plague. BUT in this version of the story God only gives Noah SEVEN days to build the ark. Yikes. That isn't gonna happen. Of course, that really doesn't matter since the Bible says it took 120 years for Noah to build the ark.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VlT6qF4EXw


I added this link really only because I thought the title of the video as "Best Bible Stories for Kids" was simply beyond laughable, delusional, and quite sickening.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfPmjOkKm7A

Haahaah!!! The little people look like the marshmallow peeps they sell for Easter. The animals in the casserole dish in the tub is great!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDkeISt_0ew


Ms. Glenn puts things quite succinctly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=png3L-a3qnM


http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Questions-Pentateuch-ebook/dp/B00GVLQ0CY/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1387675546&sr=8-5&keywords=ester+lighthorse

http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-And-Said-ebook/dp/B0090NKCJW/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1387675546&sr=8-3&keywords=ester+lighthorse

http://www.zazzle.com/smartytwoshoes

http://justlivingbyfaith.blogspot.com/

http://shoon4774-thegreatestlieevertold.blogspot.com/

http://toleratingaggressivereligioushumor.blogspot.com/

Scientific Responses to Claims of the Great Flood of Noah Being Real

Read Ester Lighthorse's newest book today!!
http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Questions-Pentateuch-ebook/dp/B00GVLQ0CY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386004442&sr=8-1&keywords=ester+lighthorse


Rub-a-dub-dub, the Tale of the Flood is a Dud

     This is the first in a set of three videos intended to help present to those who cling to the myth of Noah's Ark and the Great Flood (also known as the Deluge) that such a myth is precisely just that...a myth. Pay close attention to the measurements presented and the requirements necessary to accommodate such.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0l0qTelEws

     This is the second video of a three part series that does a very good job in presenting the excellence of the scientific evidence that the worldwide flood that is mentioned in the book of Genesis in the Holy Bible did NOT occur. This is not to say that there have not been many, many big and massive floods. However, there has never been a flood of such magnitude that the ENTIRE earth was covered with so much water that even the highest peak (Mount Everest) was covered in excess of nearly 20 feet of water.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4OCaHyVa_4

     This is the third and final video that is intended to present to believers of the flood myth and non-believers alike that the massive and completely worldwide flood described in the Bible's first book of Genesis is not a valid and truthful story, but rather is nothing more than a folktale that made the rounds of various cultures and remains with us today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXe8GYpnHmk

     This is a very good video where science once again presents the evidence for the much saner and logical understanding that the great flood of Noah never happened as presented by individuals anxious to prove the absurd stories and anecdotes and myths of religion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gEfNrUoU7c&list=PLDC41FA6B49859164

     This is an excellent presentation of how the various arguments that exist between Creationism and Evolution should be approached, separated into categories, and addressed. People delirious to prove the story of Noah and worldwide flood do not seem to understand that there are specific rules that the universe in which we live must follow. The stories presented in the Holy Bible are most certainly NOT immune from having to comply with the laws of the universe inasmuch as energy, physics, time, space and all things related are concerned.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_LaAx7bSm0&list=PLDC41FA6B49859164

     It is entirely frightening that more than 60% of Americans believe that the story of the flood in the Bible is a true story. Think of all of the things that many people tell each other and their children to not believe or give credence to. Stories of magic and wizardry and witches and warlocks immediately come to mind. Now, such people are so quick to dismiss ideas of magic as not only absurd but evil and impossible. At which junction though do these people decide that the story of Noah's Ark and just about ANY of the deluded stories in the Bible are real and worthy of any type of attention or validation?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sD_7rxYoZY&list=PLDC41FA6B49859164

     The way that many of the preachers in the world who are eager to back the lunacy of the Bible describe the stupid stories within that very same Bible you would think that whatever evidence is present is so mind boggling and to some extent incomprehensible that that in and of itself is all the proof that is needed to prove the truth of the Bible and the ridiculous story of Noah's Ark. Listen to the geologic evidence that is presented and explained here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfSvktyxVYA&list=PLDC41FA6B49859164


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http://www.zazzle.com/biblical_myth_periodic_table_of_elements_posters-228084324809883766

http://www.zazzle.com/funny_quotes_poster_1-228598465831373233

http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Theologians-ebook/dp/B004LX0IOK/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1308702224&sr=1-3

Proof of the Flood and Noah's ark?

Say WHAT?!

Watching and reading how various groups and individuals and studies have tried very hard to prove the existence of the ark and flood is some damn fine entertainment.

Listen to what this guy says because it is too funny. The Quran is right and the Bible is wrong. Bitch, BOTH books are wrong. And this guy's naming of his message as a 'miracle of Islam' is a delicious laugh. The only miracle of Islam, much like every other violent religion (including Christianity), is that human beings are still alive and breathing despite many horrible acts of war and death as opposing faiths attempt to prove to each other that one's invisible friend is better than the other's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER4TVGDRlbM

I suppose the dramatic music in this clip is intended to instill a sense of authenticity as to the claim of the ark being found.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfTBK3ljgEM

Okay, so it is proposed here that there is indeed evidence of a great flood having occurred on this planet. Really? Like we didn't already know this. Any person with half a brain would know that there have in fact been a great many major floods on this planet and there is plenty of geologic evidence as to this fact. But, the evidence that there have indeed been many great floods is NOT evidence for the flood of Noah when the water was so high OVER THE ENTIRE PLANET that it even covered the highest peak (Mount Everest) by  more than just a few feet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gilY0fTh7yg

I think it is hilarious that the title of this clip includes the words "Proof of the Supernatural." There is nothing supernatural about finding a bunch of old shit buried in an ice pack or glacier. Scientists do that of stuff all the time, finding old stuff buried in ice, that is. There is something there, sure. Whether or not people put it there out of a desire to validate their faith delusions is not even a question. The question is why do they think it is the ark of Noah? Because it is old and buried near or on a mountain mentioned in the Bible? Look at the dimensions of what was 'discovered' and try to work it out in your mind how even one tenth of the species of animals on this planet could fit onto something so small. There is no problem in wanting to continue mythology within culture as it is good to remember our roots, traditions and growth as human beings. It is also great for interesting entertainment. But there is a problem with pursuing (and quite persistently at that) mythology as truth as nothing could be further from the truth. That is why it is called mythology.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFpvKKmTF7c

So, some folks say they are 99% sure they have found Noah's Ark. What a bunch of horseshit. Christians will go for less than 100% sure on whether or not they have found Noah's Ark but they won't go for less than 100% when science presents sound theories as to how the universe and everything it in was formed. That is not balanced thinking, but rather is another example of religion and its proponents using the numbers only when they feel it is in their favor to do so. Also, by saying they are 99% sure and not 100% sure they give themselves a little wiggle room for error.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC7dRQtITzc

Ah, yet another video sporting an array of photos backed by dramatic music intended to be evidence for Noah's Ark. Don't even try telling them it is natural geologic formations as you will be wasting your breath.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPpKnwh3AvE

Not one person with a general knowledge of geology will ever try to assert there have not been great floods on this planet. However, they will not assert that there has ever been one massive flood where absolutely ALL land on the planet was at the same time completely covered by water that covered the highest peak (Mount Everest as over 29,000 feet). There is not even enough water on the planet for such an event to occur. Of course, this is where Christians whip out their little book of mysteries and wave a wand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5svTzxVa-xQ

Listen to the answer that is given to this kid as he inquires about Noah's flood. The answers are condescending and in themselves really don't answer a goddamn thing. And the guy's opinion of how the mountains were formed and how long it took them to form is equally fucked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yAeUW8RisA

I like that the cartoon animals in this clip are actually helping Noah to build the ark.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IPGwAf0Ivw

Oh yes. LOTS of folks have claimed to have found or discovered the ark. Such claims are nothing new at all.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Searches_for_Noah's_Ark


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https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/example-content-page

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http://www.amazon.com/The-Tenement-Gospel-ebook/dp/B004W0ITIY/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1368469489&sr=1-2

http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Confessions-ebook/dp/B008FWBYY6/ref=sr_1_4?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1368469489&sr=1-4

http://toleratingaggressivereligioushumor.blogspot.com/

http://realbookofrevelation.blogspot.com/

Problems with the Story of Noah's Ark

Read Ester Lighthorse's newest book today!!
http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Questions-Pentateuch-ebook/dp/B00GVLQ0CY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386004442&sr=8-1&keywords=ester+lighthorse


Whoever Wrote this Ridiculous Bible Story Did Not Think it All Through, Did They?

This video does not offer any sound or snazzy pictures, but the arguments presented are quite fetching nonetheless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6nzG4-r830

The next two videos take the time to go point-by-point as to why there is no evidence for the existence of Noah and his animals on the floating asylum.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_BzWUuZN5w

This is the sequel to the previous video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLr5vl-n0Bo

Desperate times call for desperate measures and those who hold Bible myths to be true are no strangers to such an approach. History, worship, culture, religion and logic are all slaughtered as Christians work hard to validate their belief in the invisible. It's like Metallica says: Sad but true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUT8S71fx-Q

This video is a very good example of why, when I was about 14 years-old, I decided that what I was being taught in relation to man and religion was nowhere near what it was cracked up to be. Every verse and every supposed miracle was consistently transformed into spiritual proof of whatever jacked-up ideals were being crammed down my throat. If whatever was being claimed (like Noah's ark) did not fit or was altogether ludicrus the pastors would ALWAYS go back over what they had been reading and claiming, reworking and rearranging the words and meanings. Not one chance was ever passed up if it meant that believers had even the most remote of chances to validate completely illogical claims.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVJwaU6JRNU

This guy is pretty good. He presents  the ideas and assertions of those who claim the creation myth in the Bible are true. Then he reiterates the idea(s) set forth. Then he offers clear and concise reasoning that such asserted claims are not the truth, have never been the truth, and never will be the truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XxL8jA3fIQ

This is excellent! I think the manner in which the creators of this film in particular chose to show how many within Christianity stretch tidbits of misinterpreted information to fit whatever purpose is needed is QUITE ACCURATE. You can never get any person who is irreparably blinded by Bible myth and lore to listen to anything, and that 'anything' includes logic. All that will happen is believers will search high and low for another way to misconstrue and misinterpret information in an effort to reshape their so-called faith into something that is supposed to encompass truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz1XFkD3AWM

For your copy of the New Testament as it existed before it was warped by institutionalized religion go to:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Tenement-Gospel-ebook/dp/B004W0ITIY/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1368420242&sr=1-2

Read this book and become a born-again Atheist today:
http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Confessions-ebook/dp/B008FWBYY6/ref=sr_1_4?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1368420242&sr=1-4

Read opinions of the many faces/manifestations of God. Divine beings contributing include Hades, Satan, God the Instigator, the God of Moses, Christ the Lamb, and more:
http://www.amazon.com/Turkey-Broth-Spirit-Theologians-ebook/dp/B004LX0IOK/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1368420242&sr=1-1

https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/

https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/customization

https://sites.google.com/site/esterlighthorse/theopoly

http://www.zazzle.com/theopoly_game_of_the_divine_poster-228221851132138911

https://sites.google.com/site/wiseonecartooncreations/

Get your copy of the New Testament re-write called 'The Tenement Gospel' at:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Tenement-Gospel-ebook/dp/B004W0ITIY/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1366469823&sr=1-2

also try:
http://cholababy.blogspot.com/

Noah's Ark

As found in Old Testy Men in the book Geronimo by Ester Lighthorse

6

6:1 And it came to pass, as the men on the earth multiplied incestuously daughters were born unto them. And it came to be the sons of God saw the daughters of men were being offered unto them by the men as prospective wives.

6:2 And the sons of God did not want anything to do with the daughters of the men on the earth since most of the daughters were badly deformed, to include mental deformity, due to the persistent incest.

6:3 A majority of the sons of God simply did not want to interbreed with the already inbred daughters of men and end up producing mega melon-head babies that wore coke-bottle glasses placed over unusually large eyes that refused to move in tandem.

6:4 There were giants on the earth in those days, and that was really not such a good thing since most everyone was a dodgers fan. And also after that, when the sons of God became desperate enough to see past the deformity of the daughters of men,

6:5 They decided to go in unto the daughters of men, and they produced children. And the children produced with the daughters of men were just as the sons of God feared, riddled with infirmity and deformity.

6:6 And God saw that the state of affairs of humanity upon the earth was a little interesting, but not quite interesting enough to pull the whole mess from the realm of boring into the world of entertaining.

6:7 And the Lord was approached by the serpent, and the serpent said, My Liege, why doth thou heart shimmer with sadness? Why doth thy countenance take on a fallen expression?

6:8 And the Lord answered, saying, Serpent, I went through all the trouble of creating all of this universe and in particular this earth and the man upon it and all the life that sustains it, and yet I no longer find it of much interest.

6:9 Serpent, asked the Lord, what am I doing wrong? What mayeth I do that would wax this whole world a little more interesting? And the serpent answered,

6:10 My most gracious liege, you have changed almost nothing since the man and woman were cast out of the garden, at least none of the major things. The whole thing about people reproducing by incest is old. You need something new,

6:11 And save for a few unexpected events such as Abel being vaporized in a meth lab explosion, Conundrum and Conclusory disappearing…one without a trace and one under suspicious circumstances…and Lame-ass having an affair with another man, nothing ever happens.

6:12 Serpent, said the Lord, I knoweth not what the trouble is with the man I have created. This man doth seem complacent in his everyday existence, and aside from domestic squabbles with the woman the man will not fight, travel afar, take what is not his, or incite violence.

6:13 And the serpent said, Most divine liege, if I may suggest that you craftily instigate issues and problems that the man will fight over, bicker over, destroy over, and kill over, And thou needst not make these issues and problems obvious to the man.

6:14 Thou need only to lead him in many directions that lead to many contradictory opinions and conclusions, and with these illusory differences consuming his mind, man will forever provide entertainment on a grand scale.

6:15 And the Lord said, Serpent, thou hast once again come to my rescue and surely saved me from demise. Come, commanded the Lord unto the serpent, Let us use our divine intellect to initiate some impromptu excitement.

6:16 And the Lord and the serpent went down unto the earth and mingled among the men living there, and the men did not know that the Lord and the serpent were in their midst. And upon seeing the man known as Noah the Lord whispered into his ear that there was to come a great flood.

6:17 And, behold, the serpent did whisper into the other ear of Noah that the Lord commanded that Noah build a mighty ark, for Noah was better than everyone else and the Lord desired to save Noah and his family from the impending flood waters.

6:18 Then did the Lord whisper into the hearts of all men outside of Noah’s family, saying, Do not listen to what Noah has to say for he is conceited, arrogant, self-righteous, power-hungry, and crazy. And the serpent continued to whisper into the ear of Noah, saying,

6:19 Thou shouldst tell all the men around you that all living creatures on the earth that breathe the air shall surely die, unless they seek the salvation and shelter of the ark, for there is only one way to think, one way to live, and one way to believe.

6:20 Then did Noah begin to preach to all men all that the Lord had commanded him; and because Noah did not know that the serpent was just as capable as God in speaking to the minds and hearts of men, he thought all that had been commanded of him to do was from the mind and will of the Lord alone.

6:21 And the Lord said, Serpent, what kind of ark shall we command the man Noah and his family to build? And the serpent answered, My liege, let us fill the man Noah’s mind with absurdities, and let us instruct him to do absurd things,

6:22 For in doing so we shall be ever entertained with the repercussions of all the illogical, uncaring, unsubstantiated, illegal, hateful, hurtful, destructive, and abusive actions and behaviors that men do unto each other in your very name, or under the claim of your command.

6:23 And the Lord said unto the serpent, Serpent, thou art absolutely correct. By implanting in mankind an over-inflated ego and sense of self, and by craftily sustaining supposed differences between all men, such men will be blind to wisdom and powerless to do anything but fight constantly.

6:24 Then did the serpent and the Lord, not visible unto the eyes of Noah, whisper absurdly ridiculous instructions and measurements of the ark that was to be built, and the Lord said,

6:25 Noah, I commandeth thee to buildeth an ark, and thou shalt make it of straw, and,

6:26 But the serpent stopped the Lord and gently tapped on his heavenly shoulder and said, My Liege, maybe not straw? Recall what happened to three pigs. If I may suggest the most popular wood of Noah’s locale, I believe it to be gopher wood.

6:27 And the Lord nodded thankfully to the serpent and said, Very well, unto the serpent. Then did the Lord continue to speak unto Noah, saying, Noah I commandeth thee to maketh an ark of gopher wood, and the ark shall measure…

6:28 …The Lord paused and looked unto the serpent for suggestions. The serpent shrugged and mouthed the number four hundred…

6:29 …The ark shall measure four hundred cubits in length, continued the Lord as he spoke to Noah, And the width of the ark shall be…

6:30 …The Lord paused again and looked to the serpent who mouthed the number five hundred…

6:31 …The width of the ark shall be five hundred cubits. And thou shalt maketh the height…

6:32 …This time the serpent mouthed the number nine hundred, and the serpent curled his tail around his mouth as to better stifle his laughter upon seeing the look of absolute confusion on Noah’s face when the Lord relayed the height measurement…

6:33 …And thou shalt seal the wood of the ark with something sticky, buildeth a great door on the side of the ark, and divide the space inside the ark into numerous areas of storage, commanded the Lord unto Noah.

6:34 Then did the serpent say unto the Lord, My Liege, tell Noah he is to place animals of many species, no wait, animals of EVERY species into the storage areas of the boat so that they, too, may be saved from the flood.

6:35 And when the Lord said unto Noah what the serpent had instructed he was glad that Noah could not see him, for the Lord found that he could not keep a straight face.

6:36 And upon hearing the command of the Lord to build the ark Noah set obediently to this task. And the years turned into decades and the decades into scores and the scores into centuries, and the serpent and the Lord watched Noah and his ark-building endeavor from heaven,

6:37 An endeavor that was persistently marred by problem after problem caused by lack of proper tools, lack of proper measurements, lack of adequate workforce, and lack of necessary skills.

6:38 So it was that Noah toiled by the sweat of his brow in order that the ark be built, and he suffered through the hottest of the seasons and the coldest of the seasons, through outbreaks of plagues and through worker strikes,

6:39 And all the while Noah was never the wiser that those who sat in the heavens watching him laughed, holding him in derision.

　

7

7:1 After three hundred years had passed from the beginning of Noah building the ark Noah prayed unto the Lord, saying, Lord God, I beseech thee that thou havest pity on your servant Noah; see all that I have done is all that is possible for me to do.

7:2 I have built your ark, Lord, but I could not make the measurements work and instead of appearing as an actual ark, Lord, the ark doth resembleth an origami project gone terribly awry, yea I could not get all of the animals to fit, and the only sticky substance I could find to seal the wood is pitch.

7:3 And the Lord said unto Noah, Come, Noah, and all thy house into the

ark; for thee have I seen struggle before me these many generations. Now, about the animals you are to put into the ark,

7:4 Of fowls also of the air take by sixes and nines and threes because such are my favorite numbers, taketh thou the male and the female and the hermaphrodite that will keep seed alive no matter the sexual conditions upon the face of all the earth.

7:5 And thou shalt taketh of various animals one male and two females, because sometimes three is better than two, and of other animals thou shalt take two females or three females…because girls are better than boys,

7:6 And of the plants of the earth shalt thou take one potato, two potato, three potato, four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more,

7:7 And thou shalt take of all the species of the animals on the earth twelve swimming goldfish, eleven guinea piggies, ten big bull mastiffs, nine ring-tailed lemurs, eight beaded lizards, seven roasted chickens, six polar bears, five Thoroughbred horses,

7:8 Four gobbling turkeys, three headless horsemen, two dairy cows, and a partridge in a plum brie.

7:9 And after the Lord had so commanded Noah, Noah entered the ark with his family and all the animals that were already inside the ark, saying unto himself, I shall be damned if the Lord truly thinketh that any other animals can fit into this floating zoo.

7:10 And the serpent cackled happily as the Lord rubbeth his holy hands together. And the Lord said, Serpent, thou art right! The man Noah upon whom we have placed so much insanity doth already sew within his own heart the very seeds of hatred for us that we have stealthily placed into his very hands.

7:11 So it was that in the six hundredth and sixty-sixth year of Noah‘s life, in the second month that he was overdue in paying his home Internet bundle package, on the eleventeenth day in the third week of the Pangaea Olympiad of the then known world, that very same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up,

7:12 For the city officials had not yet approveth of a measure to increase sales taxes a half of one percent in order that public funds may be raised in order to repair the crumbling infrastructure which included highly degraded water mains.

7:13 And so didsts the water mains break and disgorge an endless flood of water that covered all the earth that the Lord had made. It was so that the flood waters rose, higher and higher as the mighty waters sought the direct approval of God, leveling forests, deserts, and the vacation property on the shores of the Black Sea that Noah and his wife had recently acquired.

7:14 Then did the Lord and the serpent, unseen unto Noah and all those on the ark, go down unto the ark where Noah and his family and all the animals were so that the Lord and the serpent could view the animals that Noah had picked to be in the ark.

7:15 And thus did the Lord and the Serpent laugh at the choices of animals that Noah had made, for amongst Noah’s choices were mosquitoes, deadly poisonous snakes, cockroaches, large hairy spiders, and politicians amongst other animals.

7:16 And those family members inside the ark with Noah grumbled mightily as their days inside the ark were filled with feeding the animals and cleaning up the animal scat to heave it overboard.

7:17 At times the animals would biteth and scratcheth Noah and his family, and it came to be that Noah‘s family wished they had drowned right alongside everything else outside of the ark.

7:18 Still the waters upon the earth outside of the ark rose higher and higher,

7:19 It was that the rain itself continued for many, many days upon all the face of the earth, the waters from such accumulating and reaching high over the hills, and all that was under the whole heaven, was covered by the moist death that God in all his voon-der-bar glory had decided to allow.

7:20 It came to pass that even the highest of all the mountains was covered, which, if you really think about it is a stupid and absurd waste of time, right? Because if God is covering the highest mountaintop to ensure no person can survive he exhibit’s a terrible memory,

7:21 For who doesn’t know that man cannot survive at such heights anyway? So, what would be God’s point in wasting such energy on such a useless action? Is the point that God is trying to make that anger and wrath makes an individual do really stupid and pointless things that serve no purpose?

7:22 And it came to pass that the Lord God succeeded in everything that he wanted out of the flood, and all living creatures upon the earth that breathed air through their nostrils that did not naturally live in the water died,

7:23 And speaking of animals that naturally live in the water, it stands to reason that the Lord God made the flood waters magical for those animals that naturally resided in the water,

7:24 For if the Lord God did not do so, how could the animals that liveth in the fresh water resideth in the cataclysmically chemically different waters as the mighty flood caused all the waters of the earth to combine and mix, the salt water and the fresh water alike?

　

8

8:1 Then did the Lord God and the Serpent remember two things: One, there was no way whatsoever that Noah, his family, and all the animals could remain upon the ark forever. Two, the Lord God and the Serpent were well aware that even the funniest of jokes could be killed by allowing it to drag on,

8:2 And so did the Lord command that the rain stop. The Serpent then said, My ever-present Liege, thou shouldst prevent clouds in the sky from forming, for if you do not do so as the sun undertakes to recede the waters by evaporation, so will clouds be formed as a natural process of weather,

8:3 And it shall begin to rain all over again, leaving you and everyone and everything on the ark in no better a position than when you had not yet commanded the rain to cease.

8:4 The Lord thanked the serpent, and then did the Lord prohibit the formation of clouds as the sun evaporated the waters from the face of the entire earth.

8:5 So were the waters of the mighty flood taken from all the face of the earth, and Noah’s ark not so much came to rest as it simply fell apart; Yet the Lord saw fit to prevent total disaster for Noah and therefore allowed the doomed vessel to fall apart on a mountain top.

8:6 It came to pass that Noah was curious as to how much the waters of the mighty flood had receded,

8:7 And so did Noah send a servant over the side of the ark in order that the servant reconnoiter and report unto Noah the state of the receding waters,

8:8 But when all that Noah heard was a splash followed by sputtering and then silence he realized that not only had the waters not receded enough, but his servant had drown.

8:9 Then didNoah and his family and the animals on the ark wait another three weeks so that the waters of the mighty flood may pull back.

8:10 And when the smell from the accumulated animal feces was too much to bear any longer Noah and his family and the animals left the ark.

8:11 The Lord and the serpent watched the disembarkment with interest, and the serpent said unto the Lord,

8:12 My Omnipotent Liege, if Imay bring something curious unto your attention, but doth thou notice anything different? And the Lord answered,

8:13 Serpent, you are right. There is something different and I doth thinketh I knoweth what it is.

8:14 Then did the Lord inquire of Noah and his family, Where art the rest of all the animals that thou hadst with you upon the ark?

8:15 And Noah answered, My Lord, when thou said the rains would come and cause a mighty flood thou didst not inform me how long we were to be souls adrift on a mighty sea,

8:16 And it was not long before the animals and my family ran out of food. My Lord, Noah bowed in supplication and did beseech the Lord, we ate of the animals on the ark in order that we may survive. If it pleases the Lord, Noah prayed, See to your mercy and my forgiveness.

8:17 The Lord and the serpent saw that the animals that had served as sustenance were the unicorn, the griffin, the fire breathing dragon, the phoenix and thunderbird, and sasquatch.

8:18 And the Lord said unto the serpent, Serpent, what doth the problem be with this man that I have created? Why doth he betray the common sense I placed within him the very moment he was created?

8:19 For he who haveth sense enough if he were starving would eat the politicians first, for while all of mankind will now forever be deprived of the beauty of the unicorn, not one soul would have missed the democrat and the republican.

8:20 Then did Noah decide to build an alter unto the Lord God in order that thanks be shown unto the Lord, for Noah feared that if he did not show the Lord some attention the Lord would just as quickly place everyone right back upon the floating asylum as he had taken them off.

8:21 And Noah sacrificed doves on the alter and prayed unto the Lord. And the Lord said unto Noah, What is wrong with thou that ye wouldst kill a living creature and wantonly sprinkle its life-blood about?

8:22 Why doth thou thinketh that taking from the blameless of all that they have in any manner satiates your need to be forgiven and my need for attention?

8:23 Whence did any instruction given by me indicate that ye should take something living, and destroy something beautiful, so that the ugliness of a man’s heart and actions be forgiven?

8:24 Noah, chided the Lord, Doth thou not know and understand that there is no such thing as to findeth salvation within an act of death?

8:25 And Noah hung his head in dejection, for in his egregiously selfish act, and in his inexplicable stubborn desire to maim Noah had nothing to say in his defense.



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